"In Training" as the New Rich-Nouveau Riche

You know, I would say that I travelled a pretty amazing journey.

From the time I was 3 years old ( about 46 and 1/2 years ago), I have undergone signifcant change. By "significant change", I mean in those areas that are considered to be the most traumatic...loss or separation of immediate family members (6 of the 8-having only my younger sibling with me all through to 18), geographical moves ( 25 places in totally different parts of Sydney by the age of 25). I had one 7 year stretch till I turned 32, then, once again, interstate and added another 12 addresses and a four month bout of  "no permanent address"-yes, officially homeless. But this is not a sad story-by no means!

Aside from moving a lot, obviously I met a lot of different people too-from all manner of backgrounds. A much as I longed for emotional stability and anchors, I don't think I ever realised, until now, just how much I loved the colour and diversity of this life path. I was a 'shapeshifter'. I could fit anywhere and connect. I could adapt to multiple environments and moved between them easily. I became an expert at transition and observed people from all sides as they viewed the "others" with whom I felt an equal connection on some level.

I experienced a great deal of contrast early in life that help me to sharply clarify dreams for desired alternatives. I also had some fantastic opportunities to experience fun and unique opportunities. This has never ceased but I can see that my young life could be greatly responsible for my appetite to live life to the full and on my own terms. And like never before, I am viewing every single aspect of my personal history as a true gift-even the deepest of sorrows and shames-because they all so enlarged my capacity to profoundly imagine the life I desire and created in my a refusal to accept less.

Yep, that's me. Left front row. The only one in a winter uniform, hair absolutely everywhere and NO front teeth! I had three brothers, so a game of "Chasings" before school was always likely! And the girl next to me ( Danielle) is wearing BALLET slippers and no uniform.

On a wonderfully positive note, one such period was when I was attending North Curl Curl Primary School. Although a very difficult time for my family, I had the wonderful experience of being recognised for my singing by anyone and everyone! Every lunch time and recess, I was asked to sing ( as a little 8 yr, with no front teeth), taking requests and including hits of the day like Leaving On a Jet Plane and Bridge Over Troubled Water. My young heart, although overjoyed at the pleasure I brought people was already capable of expressing the sentiments of these songs through my voice and I got an incredible taste of what it was to take people on an emotional journey with me.

Any one who knows me, whether from then, in between, or now, knows this is still the case. It set the tone of one of my greatest life desires: to give my music to those who could hear it and be somehow moved by it for their benefit.

A little later on,  and one brother less, we moved again and I attended Avalon Primary School. This school amazed me from the outset! It was HUGE to my 9 and1/2 yr old eyes. As big as any high school I'd ever seen, double storeys and all!  I spent half of 4th, and through 5th and 6th grade here and I "blame" these years for some of seemingly insatiable appetites for life.

I was already writing and drawing but I discovered Enid Blyton! Other worlds around the globe. (I need my own island!) I was already singing and started to teach myself music using a recorder and book, then the school started a "school band" ( 110 piece!!!) and I started clarinet. For the sweetest 6 months of my young life, I had a piano and began to teach myself ( but was denied it in the next move :-( Another reason why I dislike practicality over dreams!).

In 5th class, my classroom was lined in fish tanks! End to end tanks. We went to the rock pools and caught fish, we went on TV doing it ( I fell in, cut my foot open, had to get a tetanus shot and they screened it! ) and we lived amazingly rich lives for primary schoolers! I also joined an external Christian drama group, started acting and singing on a different stage, met more amazing people...some that became significant along my path and some who are once again part of my life ( Thanks Facebook!)

But 6th class really stuffed me as far as living the normal 9-5 and walking the common road-if I wasn't already!

In Yr 6, my class were given a house for a classroom! yes, a  HOUSE! It was at the back of the school property and we loved it! We were not taught in the usual way but given a quota of work to get done. Once completed, we were free to cook in the kitchen, play on the trampoline, read in our own personal library, do creative projects, learn dances, make plays, be active outside. We even had a dog! We could do the work anywhere and  anyhow we wanted.

Now, if you had gone to school like this, how would you be today?? Paul A Bryant, if you're out there...thanks for being the amazing teacher ( out of Newcastle Uni) who implemented this! I can still picture him SO clearly!

I loved school and had always excelled. It was "my space". It had become my emotional anchor. But, in this set up, I flourished. I had everything done and record time and was totally free to play with everything else my heart desired.

Now if my life to that point hadn't set me up and sealed me for the life of the New Rich, as Timothy Ferriss calls it, grade 6 sure did! I was a "gonner".  Coming from a long line of artists, musicians, actors, writers and creative dreamers kind of helped too. And my five children look destined to have the same imprint. :-)

So...you may not have had my colourful, intense and sometimes extreme existence but I guarantee you-whether it's a sedentary life of solitude or an adventurous life exploring global communities (or that and everything in between), your life has its own rhythm, rhyme and wonder. Find the best beat for your step. Let the experiences of life reveal aspects of what you love and yearn for, whether by their absence or their presence ans start becoming intentional about how you want your  life to look.

It's the funniest thing! Now that all my children are grown and living their lives, I have finally come to a place of personal confidence and internal security that I no longer need brick and mortar anchors. In fact, right now, it's the last thing I want. All I see ahead in the immediate future for me is travel-diversity, change, community, arts.

Taking care of that thing called "Making Money" as my weekly quota of work  (on my terms) and living the rest of my time FREE! Thank God for the 4 Hour Work Week-Nouveau Riche

Wisdom-Spiritual Riches I

Wisdom  for the day

As a young mum of 5, I had a deep hunger to know the best way to mould and care for my babies.

Materialistically, I had grown up with little and still had about that, but I started to explore God’s wisdom to find the answers and guidance I sought. I studied what I found in the Bible but also relied a lot on the wonderful connection I felt between me and God and His love for me.

The following passages became mantra-like for me. To know that I’d been granted access to the same forces that framed the universe gave me incredible inspiration.

Pr3:19-20

“BY wisdom the Lord laid the Earth’s foundations, and by understanding He set the heavens in place.

By knowledge the mountains were formed and the clouds let drop their dew.”

Pr 24:3-4

“By wisdom a house is built & by understanding it is established

                By knowledge its rooms are filled with rare and beautiful treasures.”

I concluded from these verses that God had given me the exact same abilities to raise my family (build my house) as he used to create perfection in the universe. And in James we read that we can simply ask God if we find ourselves in need of wisdom and he’ll freely give it to us (Jam 1:5)

Obviously wisdom is more than a lofty ideal. It has potent practical application.

Wisdom at the beginning of all things

Just as Pr 3 states, wisdom was from the beginning. The book of Proverbs espouses the countless benefits of walking in wisdom’s counsel. Silver, gold, honour, long life, health, safety, practical knowledge and rewarding relationships are ALL listed as blessings offered through Wisdom. Who of us doesn’t want these things and yet how often we ignore what’s available to us in the form of Wisdom, in order to acquire them? Or try to find other places that share some of these truths without encountering God because Ego doesn’t want to face Judgment. But Truth is God. Eternal. Unchanging.

Of course, it isn’t about knowing the theory of wisdom, it is about reshaping one’s beliefs to harmonise with this Logic of God. And when a person starts out on that path, that’s when he finds just how much he has been alienating himself from the Truths of God’s wisdom, understanding and knowledge. Prov 2 and Prov 8 are particularly good for a description of and the benefits surrounding Wisdom. And also the level of dedication it takes to attain her company and blessing. Nothing short of your complete commitment will yield these returns. Total alignment-and once aligned...the rest follows.

No Punishment Today

Proverbs 1:7 opens with the concept that the “fear of the Lord is the beginning of Wisdom” but ‘fear’ here is referred to “a reverential respect” for God and his ways...not a terror of being punished by him. God isn’t punishing anyone at this point and if anyone tells you differently, you can say that Jesus bore the punishment of ALL of, not only your past , present and future “sin”, but everyone’s past, present and future shortcomings! Anyone willing to accept this can be free of judgment, come boldly to God’s throne of Grace and experience God’s peace.

And then, on the other hand, if you encounter someone who tells you there’s no need to receive forgiveness then evaluate the fruit of their self worth.

Perhaps some can find a way to get free of judgment another way, but I’ve not really encountered it. Somewhere along the line, I find people come to a place where they can’t forgive themselves and so suffer self inflicted guilt. This is the guilt that destroys us.  Telling oneself it’s ok is not the same as freedom-trust me!

The antidote to a poor self worth is being LOVED as you are. God does this but if he hadn’t provided a gateway for man to approach him, we would still be running and hiding like Adam, when God wanted to come and commune with us. Because we feel GUILTY!

 We can’t even reason WHY we feel bad, or why we feel the need to justify. The mind and heart become an endless labyrinth-an abyss of rationalisms. Personally, I gave up trying to understand and just accepted that I can enjoy freedom from judgment without having to analyse it, by surrendering to Wisdom.

To accept this “wisdom of God” opened my heart and keeps it open to receive whatever other insights I need to live well.

To Live As I Was Designed

So I believe I was created and fashioned to live as a mini version of God, co-creating together with God using the laws he established through wisdom , understanding and knowledge ( AKA law of Attraction/ Love). In French, “knowledge” is translated “la science”. I love this as it signifies the affinity rather than enmity of God and Science. Religion and Science have had issues, but the truth about God is SCIENCE. Science just takes a little while to catch up and make instruments that measure what was previously “invisible”.

I want the wealth God intended for me...all of it! And every kind of it promised to those who walk with Wisdom.

Living True
Since I started song-writing years ago, I have found that my songs, much like my drawings and my writing have carried a strong creative element. That is, I see them become real in my life.
Some would call them prophetic but because I understand how we can intentionally design our lives, I see them very much as tools for creating-more like ‘self fulfilling prophecies’. That’s not their only purpose but it sure is a potent one.

It could be this way for me because my talents have always been about tapping into the inner font and been an overflow expression of my heart. Not contrived for any reason or motive other than to say what’s in my heart.  And  the most impacting work is work that comes from the heart. But when is aligned to God...now, that’s when you get something incredible!


My Singing & Song-writing
How I Love You Lord
The very condensed version of how I began singing and song-writing follows:
When I was 5 and watching two sisters up the front of my kindergarten class singing together, I heard a Voice. It was the same Voice that I’d known for years and one with whom I shared regular dialogue.  Even as a 5yr old, I’d already begun to receive wisdom and insight that was so incredible. God was very real to me. And very close.


This Voice spoke and said “You’re going to be a famous singer”. I simply thought, “Ok!” I had no reason to doubt and immediately began to sing and performed later that year for the first time. After that, crowds of people would gather around me at school, so I could sing for them and I was brought before the entire school assembly to sing, unaccompanied, to them.


I even learnt to read through my singing by asking my sister to write out words to songs and as I learnt the songs, I could read and learn the words.


So, obviously, I had a love for music.


Life got even messier and the opportunity to sing, being always portable, was ever present, but access to instruments was not a priority. For 6 months only, when I was 11, I had access to a piano and began teaching myself. I didn’t gain access again until 12 years later, when I bought myself one.


It came into my life at the same time that I re-committed MY life to God, and to His truth,  in a life changing way. I still couldn’t play but suddenly I heard songs in my head and I could sit at my piano and play them in different keys until I settled on one. Song-writing and piano playing were a gift that flowed straight from the heart of my connection with God. Turned on like a tap. And they were all love songs between me and God.
That’s how it started and it seemed that God redeemed the time, bringing me and my abilities up to where they would have been , had I had access to a piano all along. Only now, it was so much more amazing.


Living True


All that simply to introduce this song I wrote called “How I Love You Lord”. I wrote it mid 1995 but it has been reignited in me and is fanning the flame of the Fires of God within me, reminding me of my purpose and my path and strengthening me in that way.


And as I sing it over and over, rededicating my  heart, I feel such a radiance glowing within and such a firmness beneath my feet that I feel sorry so many people have never known this type of experience with God. And due to previous bad experience are closed off to having it.


I pray this song ministers the beauty of the truth in being enveloped in love with God and draws you deeper into the Secret Place where He awaits you.


Song Lyrics- How I Love you Lord
HOW, HOW I LOVE YOU LORD
WITH ALL MY HEART
WITH ALL OF MY MIND, SOUL, AND STRENGTH
AND I WILL SERVE YOU MY DAYS
AND IN ALL MY WAYS
ACKNOWLEDGING MY  PATH  BEFORE  YOU

AND I WILL GIVE MY ALL FOR YOU
ALL THAT I AM 
AND ALL THAT I DO
HOLDING NOTHING BACK
SURRENDERING IT ALL FREELY UNTO YOU
TO FULFILL YOUR CALL

AS I LIVE MY LIFE IN YOU
GIVE ALL FOR YOUR TRUTH
THAT OTHERS MAY KNOW YOU
AND YOU WILL GLORIFY YOUR NAME

IN THIS FLESH AGAIN
THAT OTHERS MAY KNOW YOU
AND I LAY DOWN MY LIFE IN YOU
NO OTHER IS AS TRUE
JESUS, I LOVE YOU
SO NOW, GLORIFY YOUR NAME 
IN THIS FLESH AGAIN
THAT OTHERS MAY KNOW YOU

writtten and performed by Lisa Shah C 1995

On Being In Love

God is Love. Whoever lives in love lives in God and God in him.-I Jn 4: 16b

When a person  is in love, they are engaging with God on a different level.

Love has to be both one of the singularly most misunderstood states on the planet , yet the most universally and profoundly grasped concept of humankind.

This Love is agape (Gk- a-ga-pay)

Relationships are the ultimate place to give and receive love. But broken people cannot give or receive love easily. When God\'s love is shed abroad in the human heart, bringing healing,love can flourish freely and fearlessly."
Agape is the daddy of all loves and at different times is given expression in all the other delightful forms we have come to think of as 'love' (and many we have not!).  But the premium, set apart quality of Agape is that it "seeks nothing in return". This kind of love , in whichever form it is expressed longs only to be expressed. It lives only to be surrendered and even so, loses nothing of itself in the doing so. It preserves all parties intact whilst simultaneously having the ability to make whole those that are broken. Where it is received, rocks sing-believe it!

This kind of Love is too good to be true!

But it is true!

The Love of God is the creative force of the universe. It sustains all things and is the energy that IS all things, including the space between all things.

The wisest thing I ever did was believe that God was in love with me. It turned my world upside down and inside out and connected me with a Presence that I could literally feel delighting in my company.

"Listen, o daughter, consider and give ear.

Forget your people and your father's house.

The king is enthralled with your beauty

Honour him, for he is your Lord" Ps 45:10-11

The king is enthralled by my beauty...wow!

The first verses that came alive to me from my Bible, were all like this, telling me of how intoxicatingly in love with me God is. Not with a love like anything I'd known (Ez 16:1-14). Not to use me or abuse me or exploit me or jealously possess me but to adore me, uplift me, adorn me, honour me. As I gazed upon His beauty, drawn in by his love, he showed me a truer reflection of myself and I fell in love again( 2 Cor 3:18. I love the "love version of Lisa". I choose to live there! That's what I call "Agapeism" now. It takes a bit of practise, but the more I see how God loves me and believe it, the more  those same beautiful qualities flow from deep within me, where God and I play together in the garden (SS 4:15-5:1).

About 25 years ago, as I rode a train through Sydney's inner west, I was quietly conversing with God. At one point I asked for reassurance saying "If I could just know that you love me..." ( As in feel it as real) At that moment, I looked up and out the window. We were passing flat concrete blank walls of old terraces backing up to the railway line. Blank , that is, but for the graffiti. And there before me, sliding by on a wall, these words:

"I Love you, Lisa"

I was flooded with the experience of KNOWING God's love for me again, just as I was the first time I read Ps 45:10-11 and felt the inner witness of it being spoken right then to me. I can choose to relive the reality of this love in my emotions as often as I please.  And I do. And so, more 'love notes' come in a variety of expressions. God loves me! I'm a being in the state of love and a love-being, a god-being and have my being in God. And I'm enveloped in love, one with God in this love state of being.

I believe God has given me the gift of being able to help others experience this truth in a deep, life changing, soul healing and undeniable way and I intend to do just that. So, to "whosoever will" out there who wants to know God's love for them this way...hang around. I guarantee, if this is your desire and if you hunger for it, you will be filled.

Lisa IN Oz

I'm A Believer

I'm sitting on my deck. 


The deck that looks out across the road to the beautiful beach of Burleigh.
I spent a year cultivating the right "vibe" -or faith, if you like- to move into this dream of wanting to be living beachside.


My decision to be consistent to walk the beach every day  (from mid Feb 2010)was part of making "real" that element of my desired life.


So many other wonderful benefits, pleasures, artworks, blogs, vlogs, radio shows and insights came as a result of the year that followed. You can find many on this site as well. They document the journey under the main title of DIY Designer Living.


Another Year...


So, I moved into my place but then felt somewhat lost.
The work contracts ( singing/playing) I had started to ebb and things became very tight.This happened at a time when my youngest two ( and last remaining at home of 5)children moved out. I had looked forward to the extra $$ to save for a trip overseas and to spend on all sorts of things I'd never had.


Because money dried up, I was forced again to think about to generate more and nothing that I used to do or had previously done was getting any results. I was losing interest in trying and even doing it, if it came. Some thing needed to shift.


However, even if work had continued, I would still have felt plagued by the same inner question that had walked with me ALL my days. And it wasn't so much "Why am I here?" as much as it was "What does it actually look like when I'm fulfilling this 'why?' "

I knew it was spiritual. I knew it was mentoring, musical, artistic and I knew I could help people locate, live and flourish authentically.Since I really didn't know how to walk this out given my life as it had become, I was equally more perplexed than ever.

Two Degrees Off Truth

You see, the only place I'd ever felt was "right" was when I was worshipping God and sharing how his Wisdom was changing my life. When I left church, ten years ago, I was at a loss as to where/how to sue these gifts that were so obviously for "The Body Of Christ"

Aaah...(shaking my head) it suddenly seems so obvious.

I had not seen this quite this way before.

This is why I couldn't get this stuff to function to any great degree anywhere else. I tried the Corporate World. I tried New Age Circles. I tried Network Marketing and Social Media. I tried study and teaching...nothing "took" and certainly nothing took my heart. They were all  "two degrees off My truth" 

Three times in just the last few days, I have been referred to as "a gift" to the Body. The minister on Sunday, pointed me out, spoke of my "ministry" and said "Lisa is a gift" given to help lead people into the Presence of God.

That same day, another lay minister wrote of me saying:

         "When Lisa is singing praise & worship she effortlessly carries you along into the tangible     prescence of God. It is not something learned or even practised but a true gift given to the body of Christ." 

And what it has just prompted in me is a reminding that I have repeatedly said over this past week, that "the gift has always made a way". But the gift is not just what I do ...it is WHO I AM.

The reason I have never felt like a proper fit in any of the many other places it seems I would be a great fit, is because I am a gift to the Body of Christ. I am a ministry gift.

:-)

And why does this help me so much right now? (As revelation always does-helps now!) It makes it easy for me to see and understand "WHO" I need to focus on. In business terms, you could say my "target market". I know who it is I am talking to/for /with.

I was trying to overhaul my website but couldn't even get started. Now, it will be much easier.

 It's so funny how we can "know" something but then we can "see and know" it more and it brings faith and empowerment, insight and instruction. I knew I felt called back to ministry and in a much more significant way but thinking of myself as "a gift to the Body" really sheds a light on this in a more profound way.                        Another point that had been percolating around inside me was the understanding of commitment and that it cannot help but promote exclusivity.                       The Whole idea of "niche marketing" is based upon this premise. You become the expert of your chosen field. I could never decided how to select and define that for myself. But I always knew...it's worship. And it's obvious that worship doesn't really relate to anyone but those that know and love God as father.  It just wouldn't mean anything to anyone else.  And did you know that Gods seeks  worshippers who worship Him in spirit and in truth? Jn 4:23 God SEEKS them!

"Do not take the children's bread and give it to the dogs". The term "dog" simply refers to those outside the covenant and was quoted by Jesus in reference to the distinction between Jews and Gentiles. After Jesus' death and resurrection the covenant would be open to all but in this passage, the Gentile Jesus was addressing answered , "Yes Lord, but even the dog gets the crumbs that fall from the Master's table." That man received his desire. Jesus ministered to any and ALL that came to him but He was sent to the children of Isreal-those under the Law first.       

It's easy enough for anyone to become a "child" now and participate in the covenant God has made with Jesus, sealed in his own  blood.

In understanding myself as "a gift to the Body", I know exactly who I'm speaking to and what my words should do-and my being is flooded with that wonderful sense of his Blessed Assurance once more.

:-)

From Conception to Fruition-Here & NOW

Below is an excerpt from some of my very recent journalling.
I've been trying to 'see' and understand the next step, so I can face this giant and move on! Trying to control the process perhaps LOL what a jokE! I get all flustered, and out of peace..it's obvious I only know one healthy state o function in and from ... HERE
Here.mp3
And now, I've written this intro, from after what I wrote below, so I see more clearly. And I believe I have found what I need to continue and maintain what is needed for things to move forward in the highest possible way for all. Another firm underpinning of insight. Nothing new...yet empowers with the freshness of new life. YUM!
The Great Wall
Hmm... this is the sense of “impenetrable” I find whenever I turn to go a certain way.
Instead of thinking of this as being a wall of resistance built from fear, I’m starting to take the view that it is a hemming in of my way brought about by wisdom’s guidance, if for no other reason than it will lead me by the swiftest path to the fruition of my desires. This may not change what I face, but it changes the face of what I see.
If I sit down to write because I think I should...NOTHING. ZILCH. Forced or lesser quality. Just doesn’t hit the mark...falls short. That’s the definition of ‘sin’. So maybe what I’m trying to do is ‘not of faith’ for “whatever is not of faith”-is sin. Hmmm...now this thought is REALLY interesting.
Same with drawing, same with singing and music...and the thing is it’s only like that when I’m doing it for the reason of feeling I “should”. UGH!!!
When I’m a naturally productive mode, it flows huge BUT IT’S ALL PART OF REAL LIFE. And I think this could be the crux of it. I don’t want to prepare messages. I want to deliver them in the moment. I have just WAaaaaaayyyy too much to try and cover if I try to do things logically and I become literally overwhelmed. But when faced with an opportunity or presented with a theme-I can run with that! It’s the principle of having structure to foster creativity. I can do it on a small scale, like I did with DIY blogs, and then compile them. And only for a season, in response to inspiration. I cannot IMPOSE the structure. But I’m better with a novel where life lessons are presented all out of linear logic and applied personally.
As soon as I get a good idea, I’m all excited but it goes nowhere. Nothing wrong with all my ideas! They’re awesome. And they’re endless! But I cannot seem to stay with them. They have the feeling of being 2 degrees off truth. I’ve thought that perhaps I’ve had fears to overcome and I’m sure I have. But thinking of them as fears to overcome makes it harder somehow. Whereas thinking of these ideas as directions that I’ve chosen as strategies to avoid the total commitment to the exact bearings for my life-this alters my take on it. This exposes them as diversions. And it makes me realise that it is utter futility to even try to succeed with a goal that was never 100% me.
When have I seriously never felt 2 degrees off-EVER?  When I’m connecting! With God , with people, with nature, with creativity...
I was born to worship. My life is about being one with God in conscious awareness.
I KNOW WHAT IT IS!!!
I am a responder, not an initiator.( The power of the Feminine)
My ministry in word, whether written or spoken, is a response to someone and their situation,  unless it is a story. My blogs are accounts of “Show’n’Tell”. They are my response to the life experience I’m having.
To try and write content with all the answers before I’ve been asked the questions...this I struggle with. There is no impetus in that for me. It’s theoretical-lacking the essence of life. I need to be working on the edge of the universal expansion where life is being created right NOW.
I am an addict of creation. :-)
I cannot make a generic self-help book that is good for all. I have to do a personal one. If that person shares it around, as people have with my letters, that’s fine but I can’t write it that way. I seem to need to write it TO someone, if I’m going to have decent quality to it.
I’m personal, like God.
And I need to be out responding to people.
The INSTANT I try to “initiate” something, I am out of sync with myself. This is definitely the matter.
Now, when I feel I am “waiting on God” this is not like waiting for a train to come. To “wait on God” is to minister to him, to give him my attention, to recount truths I’ve learnt from him, to ponder his nature etc.  And it is always a response to the love and grace and goodness I’m receiving from him. It is appreciation, gratitude, honour, respect, value, love and awe. Waiting on God is an active response...not a passive thumb twiddling exercise.
It is from this place of intimacy I intuitively receive insight, instruction and inspiration. (This is where the piano playing came from) And it is from this place that I must move forward. To shift gears is to fall out of sync and be that two degrees off again. It’s not like God gives me a plan whilst we’re communing and then says, “um take this out into the world with you and find a way to do it. I’ve given you the plan...you take it from here" Aah...no. lol
He says "here’s the plan". You look at it, look back at him, look at yourself, look back at him and say...”um, I think this was for Mother Theresa” or some other hero. “No,no, this is you, “ he says,  “but you can’t do it.[blank look]... Well, not without living Here. Constant intimate connection is the ONLY way.
Hence the song. Life in that place of connection is ALL I HAVE EVER WANTED. And this thoroughly aligns with "Cherchez premierment le royaume et la justice de Dieu, et toutes ces choses vous seront donnee par-dessus."
"Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you" This "wall" is Wisdom keeping me on the track of experiencing the fullness of this life I desire. Where God brings them to me instead of me chasing them.
And when asked, some time in the future, what I did to get from rags to riches, I will say...I believed God and like Abe, it was credited to me as righteousness( it aligned me). I gave all my energy to the "labour of entering into this rest of faith". :-)

Living In Love ( Agapeism)

Running Themes

I can look over my life right up till today and see various themes playing out. I can view the events and growth from the perspective of Truth/Lies, Love/Fear, Judgement/Righteousness  and so on.  I have experienced wonderful enablings and giftings and talents, known healings and miracles, given and received prophecies, wisdom and knowledge and enjoyed an intimacy with God that never fails to bring my heart into utter surrender-since I was a preschooler.

Where Everything Felt Right

I wanted to be so much ONE with God coz when I was in that conscious space, I could feel the freedom from all earthly concern. Even through all of these things, I've never enjoyed the reality of God/me in the way I am now. It was a dream and a desire and the goal of my life but one of those waaaayy too good to happen things beyond how good it felt and why would it happen for me, type deals.. and yet, I'd been the recipient of so much already.

When I divorced, I felt I'd disqualified myself. Nothing could be further from the truth. I was struggling to forgive myself for doing what I had allocated as the unforgivable sin for me ( what hogswallop!). I had failed MY expectations. A person can never fail by following their heart...it will lead them to their truth if they are willing to accept it as so and allow the growth. Living a lie and pretending to be happy is unacceptable.  So much better to "fail" authentically than to "succeed" as a fraud. We can find our true sense of worth the first way, but will despise ourselves for our own lack of integrity the latter way.

The ONLY Place that Felt Right...or felt TRUE

I have an INNER DRIVING for this authenticity that I cannot begin to explain. On the one hand I wish it on everyone, on the other, I know the journey it will mean. But once it has a hold of you, there is no peace but being on it-no matter where it leads you. And the reason it lives in me is coz I know I will never be content with a pseudo faith. I have to have the real thing. Otherwise I feel I would spend my whole life trying to protect my "archilles' heel", and this would end up taking over. My whole life would be built around the consciousness of that weakness. Shudder! What  a thought!

So, in keeping with current themes of Love/Fear...I've had so many lessons in this stuff. When I had a break down and suffered Alopecea ( stress induced baldness) fear was on the rise again in my life and threatened to engulf me. I remembered David and despaired of having the courage to run at this giant. I knew what to do, I even knew how but I still spent 3 and 1/2 yrs  (collected some incredible stories and personal experiences in the process) suffering with my "silent anguish". Till one day, I'd had enough and refused to accommodate fear any more. This is when I felt that courage begin to show and I had peace from then on, immersed in the truth. But 6 months in, a new bald spot appeared and none had grown over. I already knew I'd need to believe in the face of current conditions but to see more could've undone me. I wasted no time turning it around. Didn't reason, just turned back to the truth that had given me peace and decided I'd rather have that and be bald than the other way. But I was still focussed on wholeness..let the hair take care of itself. I said, "If I can do this, I can do anything". That's when God reminded me of David again and showed me my own courage at running at the fear giant.

Giant Slaying Faith

I passed through that hump in strength in one evening and powered on to a full head of hair ( took another 18 months for it all to grow back, but I had peace and joy and that "blessed assurance" all that time.) A pseudo faith just doesn't give you that! It cannot give you a ROCK to stand on.

I have committed and recommitted again and again to this process of LIVING free of fear. I've never stopped progressing but what I'm enjoying now is that which is what I once saw from afar and at times wondered if I could ever be: myself as the dwelling place of God, and God as my dwelling place. I live in Him and He lives in me.Not just as a theoretical truth, but reality...and the confidence this fusion brings.

This is my security. My fortress, my strong-tower, my refuge, my rock, my secret place, my garden of love and singing and worship. I just haven't been able to find that sense of intimacy and connection without seeing God as someone consciously separate that chooses oneness with me as I do with him. My God-self is different for me-that's my spirit.

Shameless Surrender =Glorious Success

Some speak of Source or God as that spirit part of themselves and if that works for them- great. But for me, I need to know that God is in love with me and that's why I can surrender my heart. My spirit, I know, is just like God and that is where we fuse and then flow as one through all extended parts of my being. 

For me, I need to be hid in someone bigger than myself. I need to be part of something bigger than myself. And the paradox of that is, I find a largeness and fullness I knew was there but couldn't access before.

This is what works for me :-) 

I am so excited and expectant of what lies ahead!

love to you all