Living In Love ( Agapeism)

Running Themes

I can look over my life right up till today and see various themes playing out. I can view the events and growth from the perspective of Truth/Lies, Love/Fear, Judgement/Righteousness  and so on.  I have experienced wonderful enablings and giftings and talents, known healings and miracles, given and received prophecies, wisdom and knowledge and enjoyed an intimacy with God that never fails to bring my heart into utter surrender-since I was a preschooler.

Where Everything Felt Right

I wanted to be so much ONE with God coz when I was in that conscious space, I could feel the freedom from all earthly concern. Even through all of these things, I've never enjoyed the reality of God/me in the way I am now. It was a dream and a desire and the goal of my life but one of those waaaayy too good to happen things beyond how good it felt and why would it happen for me, type deals.. and yet, I'd been the recipient of so much already.

When I divorced, I felt I'd disqualified myself. Nothing could be further from the truth. I was struggling to forgive myself for doing what I had allocated as the unforgivable sin for me ( what hogswallop!). I had failed MY expectations. A person can never fail by following their heart...it will lead them to their truth if they are willing to accept it as so and allow the growth. Living a lie and pretending to be happy is unacceptable.  So much better to "fail" authentically than to "succeed" as a fraud. We can find our true sense of worth the first way, but will despise ourselves for our own lack of integrity the latter way.

The ONLY Place that Felt Right...or felt TRUE

I have an INNER DRIVING for this authenticity that I cannot begin to explain. On the one hand I wish it on everyone, on the other, I know the journey it will mean. But once it has a hold of you, there is no peace but being on it-no matter where it leads you. And the reason it lives in me is coz I know I will never be content with a pseudo faith. I have to have the real thing. Otherwise I feel I would spend my whole life trying to protect my "archilles' heel", and this would end up taking over. My whole life would be built around the consciousness of that weakness. Shudder! What  a thought!

So, in keeping with current themes of Love/Fear...I've had so many lessons in this stuff. When I had a break down and suffered Alopecea ( stress induced baldness) fear was on the rise again in my life and threatened to engulf me. I remembered David and despaired of having the courage to run at this giant. I knew what to do, I even knew how but I still spent 3 and 1/2 yrs  (collected some incredible stories and personal experiences in the process) suffering with my "silent anguish". Till one day, I'd had enough and refused to accommodate fear any more. This is when I felt that courage begin to show and I had peace from then on, immersed in the truth. But 6 months in, a new bald spot appeared and none had grown over. I already knew I'd need to believe in the face of current conditions but to see more could've undone me. I wasted no time turning it around. Didn't reason, just turned back to the truth that had given me peace and decided I'd rather have that and be bald than the other way. But I was still focussed on wholeness..let the hair take care of itself. I said, "If I can do this, I can do anything". That's when God reminded me of David again and showed me my own courage at running at the fear giant.

Giant Slaying Faith

I passed through that hump in strength in one evening and powered on to a full head of hair ( took another 18 months for it all to grow back, but I had peace and joy and that "blessed assurance" all that time.) A pseudo faith just doesn't give you that! It cannot give you a ROCK to stand on.

I have committed and recommitted again and again to this process of LIVING free of fear. I've never stopped progressing but what I'm enjoying now is that which is what I once saw from afar and at times wondered if I could ever be: myself as the dwelling place of God, and God as my dwelling place. I live in Him and He lives in me.Not just as a theoretical truth, but reality...and the confidence this fusion brings.

This is my security. My fortress, my strong-tower, my refuge, my rock, my secret place, my garden of love and singing and worship. I just haven't been able to find that sense of intimacy and connection without seeing God as someone consciously separate that chooses oneness with me as I do with him. My God-self is different for me-that's my spirit.

Shameless Surrender =Glorious Success

Some speak of Source or God as that spirit part of themselves and if that works for them- great. But for me, I need to know that God is in love with me and that's why I can surrender my heart. My spirit, I know, is just like God and that is where we fuse and then flow as one through all extended parts of my being. 

For me, I need to be hid in someone bigger than myself. I need to be part of something bigger than myself. And the paradox of that is, I find a largeness and fullness I knew was there but couldn't access before.

This is what works for me :-) 

I am so excited and expectant of what lies ahead!

love to you all