From Conception to Fruition-Here & NOW

Below is an excerpt from some of my very recent journalling.
I've been trying to 'see' and understand the next step, so I can face this giant and move on! Trying to control the process perhaps LOL what a jokE! I get all flustered, and out of peace..it's obvious I only know one healthy state o function in and from ... HERE
Here.mp3
And now, I've written this intro, from after what I wrote below, so I see more clearly. And I believe I have found what I need to continue and maintain what is needed for things to move forward in the highest possible way for all. Another firm underpinning of insight. Nothing new...yet empowers with the freshness of new life. YUM!
The Great Wall
Hmm... this is the sense of “impenetrable” I find whenever I turn to go a certain way.
Instead of thinking of this as being a wall of resistance built from fear, I’m starting to take the view that it is a hemming in of my way brought about by wisdom’s guidance, if for no other reason than it will lead me by the swiftest path to the fruition of my desires. This may not change what I face, but it changes the face of what I see.
If I sit down to write because I think I should...NOTHING. ZILCH. Forced or lesser quality. Just doesn’t hit the mark...falls short. That’s the definition of ‘sin’. So maybe what I’m trying to do is ‘not of faith’ for “whatever is not of faith”-is sin. Hmmm...now this thought is REALLY interesting.
Same with drawing, same with singing and music...and the thing is it’s only like that when I’m doing it for the reason of feeling I “should”. UGH!!!
When I’m a naturally productive mode, it flows huge BUT IT’S ALL PART OF REAL LIFE. And I think this could be the crux of it. I don’t want to prepare messages. I want to deliver them in the moment. I have just WAaaaaaayyyy too much to try and cover if I try to do things logically and I become literally overwhelmed. But when faced with an opportunity or presented with a theme-I can run with that! It’s the principle of having structure to foster creativity. I can do it on a small scale, like I did with DIY blogs, and then compile them. And only for a season, in response to inspiration. I cannot IMPOSE the structure. But I’m better with a novel where life lessons are presented all out of linear logic and applied personally.
As soon as I get a good idea, I’m all excited but it goes nowhere. Nothing wrong with all my ideas! They’re awesome. And they’re endless! But I cannot seem to stay with them. They have the feeling of being 2 degrees off truth. I’ve thought that perhaps I’ve had fears to overcome and I’m sure I have. But thinking of them as fears to overcome makes it harder somehow. Whereas thinking of these ideas as directions that I’ve chosen as strategies to avoid the total commitment to the exact bearings for my life-this alters my take on it. This exposes them as diversions. And it makes me realise that it is utter futility to even try to succeed with a goal that was never 100% me.
When have I seriously never felt 2 degrees off-EVER?  When I’m connecting! With God , with people, with nature, with creativity...
I was born to worship. My life is about being one with God in conscious awareness.
I KNOW WHAT IT IS!!!
I am a responder, not an initiator.( The power of the Feminine)
My ministry in word, whether written or spoken, is a response to someone and their situation,  unless it is a story. My blogs are accounts of “Show’n’Tell”. They are my response to the life experience I’m having.
To try and write content with all the answers before I’ve been asked the questions...this I struggle with. There is no impetus in that for me. It’s theoretical-lacking the essence of life. I need to be working on the edge of the universal expansion where life is being created right NOW.
I am an addict of creation. :-)
I cannot make a generic self-help book that is good for all. I have to do a personal one. If that person shares it around, as people have with my letters, that’s fine but I can’t write it that way. I seem to need to write it TO someone, if I’m going to have decent quality to it.
I’m personal, like God.
And I need to be out responding to people.
The INSTANT I try to “initiate” something, I am out of sync with myself. This is definitely the matter.
Now, when I feel I am “waiting on God” this is not like waiting for a train to come. To “wait on God” is to minister to him, to give him my attention, to recount truths I’ve learnt from him, to ponder his nature etc.  And it is always a response to the love and grace and goodness I’m receiving from him. It is appreciation, gratitude, honour, respect, value, love and awe. Waiting on God is an active response...not a passive thumb twiddling exercise.
It is from this place of intimacy I intuitively receive insight, instruction and inspiration. (This is where the piano playing came from) And it is from this place that I must move forward. To shift gears is to fall out of sync and be that two degrees off again. It’s not like God gives me a plan whilst we’re communing and then says, “um take this out into the world with you and find a way to do it. I’ve given you the plan...you take it from here" Aah...no. lol
He says "here’s the plan". You look at it, look back at him, look at yourself, look back at him and say...”um, I think this was for Mother Theresa” or some other hero. “No,no, this is you, “ he says,  “but you can’t do it.[blank look]... Well, not without living Here. Constant intimate connection is the ONLY way.
Hence the song. Life in that place of connection is ALL I HAVE EVER WANTED. And this thoroughly aligns with "Cherchez premierment le royaume et la justice de Dieu, et toutes ces choses vous seront donnee par-dessus."
"Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you" This "wall" is Wisdom keeping me on the track of experiencing the fullness of this life I desire. Where God brings them to me instead of me chasing them.
And when asked, some time in the future, what I did to get from rags to riches, I will say...I believed God and like Abe, it was credited to me as righteousness( it aligned me). I gave all my energy to the "labour of entering into this rest of faith". :-)

Studies in Conscious Creation Vol II

Studies In Conscious Creation Vol II- Motivation

**Disclaimer** In sharing elements of my story, I, in no way, desire to malign anyone in my family-or others. I see myself as the creator of my own experience, including the one I was born into. I judge no one, resent none, but sincerely love and appreciate all. Everyone is on their own journey. I also believe how I ‘saw/see’ my life experience is my own perspective and as such, subject to my own interpretation of the facts, and not a reflection on those who were part of my world .

Well, as the title suggests, I want to give some thought to those things that motivate us to move forward on our dreams and desires. On the flipside of that, I also want to look at what we hide behind and make our scapegoat for NOT moving ahead on them. And finally, explore the validating motivations we can fabricate to allow ourselves to be happy in the pursuit of our pleasures.

Of course, in this small space, I’ll only be opening the tins, rather than dragging all the worms out. I imagine they will wriggle out of their own accord...and once they do, there’s no putting that lid back on! LOL

I am going to use myself as my example-as I usually do. That’s because I really only know about me and whilst I am certain that I’m not the only one responds to things the way I do, I can only speak for myself. What follows are some of my conclusions regarding my own “methods of operation”.

Who Am I To Be Happy?

Without going into any longwinded details (just for a change! lol ), I will point out that my childhood circumstances were ideal for demonstrating contrast, so I would by default catapult desires for better. It is an automatic thing to want health in sickness. I wanted peace in the storm. I wanted an oasis in the chaos. I was only very young, when the change to my circumstances came.

My life and disposition were such that certain erroneous beliefs had been given great leave to seed and grow even by then. Thinking that I was the centre of anybody’s universe but mine was one of them. This was the way the stage was set when the opportunity to have my desire to be out of the environment came.

Here’s the thing: we get what we focus on. I got what I wanted, even tho it cost me dearly-the event ultimately splintering the family into chards. I loved my family more than anything, I thought-but obviously not more than myself. I had to be out of that place. It is this love for Self that has always come to my rescue. I guess you could say, from even way back then, as a very little girl, I saw that the only person I could save, was me.

I also saw that I was the only one who would.

So...in this instance, self preservation was the motive to have the something better I could see in my dreams. It was my motivation, and it made my dream my reality.

BUT here’s the thing. There were some in my immediate family who DIDN’T want to be out of that situation. I can only assume their fear and focus delivered a reality for them as well, and it played out in tumultuous ways for my brother. He blamed me, and said things that implied I had betrayed other family members. Not many years later, that brother killed himself. We were on good terms by then, by he’d had enough, and his words sowed a seed that took deep root, that for me having what I want would bring heart break to others that I loved.

Guilt for being happy accompanied me in the form of deep depression for many years, and a desperate loneliness that led me all sorts of places. I had no right to be happy when all my family were SO miserable. And they were!

Who am I to be happy when others suffer?

But once again, I left the environment that made it hard for me to be happy, and went out on my own. I had about $80-something dollars (my big inheritance! Lol) and a bowl , spoon and fork from my grandmother and an enrolment in Art School! Can naivety and desperation be viewed as gutz? Yes. I’ll give myself that J

Jumping ahead, events led then, to me becoming a mum .

Now, I had a REAL reason for making better choices. My babies were my unspoken justification for everything, including bringing out the very best in me. I was always fascinated with inner workings, but struggled with old patterns of behaviour in some areas, until I had my babies. My strong memories of early life were the guide for me. I never wanted them to feel the ‘bad’ feelings I’d had, or know the traumas I’d felt, but I did want them to know the deep love and appreciation I’d felt even in the midst, and how precious family are.

Being the kind of person that could teach and impart all the best things is all I cared about. I lived it from the heart before them, and was alone with them until they were 5 ½ and 4 ½.

Scenario after scenario played out in my life that confirmed my belief-that I could only have what I wanted at the expense of others’ dreams. Eventually, I slid comfortably into the role of false piouity that many know...that one of sacrifice.

Find and Be the Scapegoat

So, now we jumped way down the track and I’m married with five babies.

I know, without a shadow of a doubt, I lacked the wherewithal to do something constructive my life in my late teens. I did a year of Art School, found it too lax, and enrolled in a Fine Arts degree-filling in time coz I really didn’t know what to do with myself. If I hadn’t had such a compelling to recreate a family unit, perhaps I would have made something from there. Instead, I gladly had babies.

I still say it some of the finest work I’ve ever done! You will too, when you meet them!

I think I wanted that solid family unit behind me and it gave me great stability. I’d moved into my dream environment but in doing so, the old idea of having a happy family or my personal dreams came into play again. It was either/or again. This time, I chose ‘sacrifice’, so that I could continue to give my family what they needed to be happy.

None of these motivations are cut and dried. They all interlace and intertwine. I isolate them for identification’s sake, but all were simultaneously present to varying degrees. This one, of feeling the need to complete my commitment to my children has really stayed active to this day. With the youngest one approaching 18, the compelling to pursue my individual life has grown progressively stronger. I still feel a measure of responsibility to ‘take care’ of them and supply a home-which I do, but not so much now, that I can’t accept certain types of opportunities-if not all.

Thing is, I felt it had to be this way. I wanted to be mum until they had grown. My mothering and lifestyle have changed over the past 8 years of being single again, but I’m still basically PRESENT and in the home. A direct spin off from my childhood.

And here is the beautiful part, in the almost 30 years I’ve spent being a mother, I have finally become the person who is ready to live their own personal dreams, and I know it doesn’t have to make anyone miserable.

Today, I know nobody owes me anything, let alone to save me. And by extension, I have found the liberating counter truth of knowing I can ‘save’ no one either. If I am aligned to my dream, I will get it and the people around me will get their own version of reality according to their focus.

This brings me to my last point:

The Place of Altruism.

So...one of the ways that I found my dreams gained access to the ‘acceptable’ genre, was to somehow see them as “good for all”. I still wasn’t enough reason to have something. The only way I could protect the people I loved was to ensure that my desires had elements that were good for them too. That became the defining criteria for a long time.

But as with everything, who we are must surface. And I have always been such a lover of growth and deep spiritual connection, so that growth must come-no matter what! At times, it has broken through in great dramatic, and what some considered uncharacteristic, leaps sideways. I’d find a way to level the extremes, bring the pendulum back to centre, but still get fix of expansion. This put pressure on people around me to grow as well. Something, not always well received.

Getting back to “altruism”. It can be used either way, to support or to avert your dreams. But both are exercises in Ostrich-ism (that disease of sticking one’s head in the sand). The truth is MY dreams are mine and your dreams are yours... for YOU. Each one of those people we love has their own and- dare I say it?-apart from us! Do you want them to modify or sacrifice what would make them most happy for you??

What healthy person would?

Nor are you expected to do it! No one is. Not you, not me, not the people you love and wish would never leave.

But here’s the real danger, and my strongest point for this blog: In attempting to make your dream acceptable on any terms other than the fact that it makes you happy, is to move it away from its purest form, and once adulterated, it cannot lead to the place of pure joy. Nor leave the most empowering legacy.

That’s not the end of it. It’s not all over. Life is a never ending process of refinement...as are you, and I, and our respective dreams.

What I’m Aiming For

I think my dreams have reached their purest form, and my heart the cleanest state, when I recognise that I do what I do PURELY for the love of it. I do what I do out of SHEER PLEASURE.

I need no other motivation, nor any other validation. It’s not my job to fix, change or save anyone. What relief that is! I live simply to follow the compelling of my own heart to do that which I love. I don’t need any other reason. It doesn’t have to be marketable. My job in life is to find ever increasing degrees of freedom for these endeavours.

The exceedingly lovely by-product of putting all this energy on myself, is freedom. Freedom for me, freedom for others and the sweetest, purest legacy I could ever hope to leave with the planet-

The legacy of demonstrating the power of living one’s dreams.

This is the only life I’ve wanted to live and the only legacy I ever wished to leave for anyone.

Launching My Escape into Eternity

Hmmm...as far as the calendar is concerned, it is July 1st, 2009.
As far as I'm concerned, it is simply NOW.

For many, many years of my life I thought "Time" was my absolute greatest resource.

I never had a lot of money, and valued my time far more than any money. I thought the best way to capitalise on my time was to learn how to manage it, invest it, leverage it, even save it.

I loved the concept of Time Management, the principle of setting goals, and of having long terms plans, because all of these things gave me a sense of being in control over my life.

Of course, unless I built in a plan for generating income, many of my monetary based goals (if I bothered to set them at all), could never come to fruition. Plus, I had a lot of baggage that made it pretty near impossible for Money to get near me, let alone hang around! I resented Money. Resented having to have it and didn't like what I felt it brought out in people. I blamed Money for an awful lot of stuff.

That meant too, that I was ALWAYS looking for alternative ways to accomplish my desires. Creativity and innovation, and time to create became much more valued in my estimations. Thinking and creating became almost one and the same over time...ha!..time

A Quantum Shift

But something shifted in me a couple of years ago.

I'd boarded a plane for a four day trip away and forgotten my watch. I couldn't put my phone on as it wasn't in Flight mode.
I took this as a 'cue' from the Universe to 'forget time' until it was time to fly back.

And I did.
Not once did I ask what time it was. So many around were time oriented, I didn't even need to, in order to catch my plane back! Of course,there's a practicality to time, but I dare to venture, that most live in a feeling a 'lack of time'.
And I've started to hear the term 'time poor', more and more.

NOW or Never
Can I ever really be time poor, if I have NOW. Who has any more or less?

I started to see Time and my attitude toward it, could bear all the same marks as money. Time had gone further than being a commodity...it had become a form of currency-adjusting in value depending upon the economics of people outside of myself.

People could, and did, change where an hour was placed in a day. I never warmed to Daylight savings. I love LONG mornings. That's why I like Queensland. But it wasn't until I realised these things about time, that I realised I could live a life separate from the 'timing' of others.

I began to conceive the idea of living in NOW, and 'outside' of time-in ETERNITY.
"NOW, this is ETERNAL life"
All over the world, people are in various degrees of today, tomorrow and yesterday, but yet, it is undeniably ALL NOW. The only way to truly leverage and maximize time is to live FULLY, NOW.

Another Shift
A couple of years ago i heard a man by the name of Stephn Covey Sr say:
"You don't need money to make money, you need Creativity"
When he said that, my entire universe opened up! I had spent my life fostering and nurturing all manner of creativity and re-conceptualizing, since I was REALLY young.

My circumstances required being able to rearrange the way I saw things,so that I could find the good in life, and alternatives became my specialty. And I practiced the art perpetually.

This brought about a massice shift in my mindset toward generating Money, and the culminating piece of that puzzle was changing the way I saw Money. And that has revolutionalized everything.

With Creativity/Thinking as my recognized most valuable resource, I became the richest person that I knew, because these practices had become central to all that I see myself as.

A Thinker and a Creator

I Don't Age...I Evolve

Now, I have a totally 'smashed' view of Time and everything is in perfect timing.
All that is my life is about synchronicity and knowing that "All things are mine", because I have the resources to create anything I can conceive. The 'whens' and 'hows' don't matter any more, since as soon as I see myself as BEING/HAVING/DOING/GIVING in the NOW, then I have received it.

The process has been conceived and is in gestation, and will inevitably be birthed into the physical line of 'time'.

Now, my goals are simply desired outcomes. Thay are a collage, a patchwork, a multiplicity of layers of experience. And by the time a desired outcome has materialized, I'm already in the incubating state of another, and another, and another...ad infinitum. NOW, I am living in eternity.

Now I Am
...and it's ALL good! :-)