Designer Relationships

Hey All!

With Valentine's Day coming up, I thought this week's blog could focus on 'sharing the love'.

Two of my kids and my niece, and great niece, between them...we love well! (from our annual family reunion)

It Takes All Kinds

In our lives, we have all manner of relationships-from acquaintances we bump into at the shop, friends with whom we share a common interest, all the way to people we live and work with. Each of these serves a different kind of purpose and represents a different type of connection-but they all have something in common.

They all have the ability to change the way we feel.

And we have the ability to change their dynamics, so that they can all leave us feeling GOOD.

Keeping It Simple

As this is just a small space to get your attention, I'm not going labour anything, but hopefully get you thinking a bit.

There are basically two types of relationship, for all the forms they take.

Replenishing....and Draining.

Draw up a simple table with these two descriptions at the top.

Think about the people in your life.

Characteristics of a Replenishing Relationship

Consider one of your 'easy, 'replenishing relationships. The kind of person who is always so easy for you to be around. Think of someone right now...before continuing.

Ask yourself WHY you feel good around them and list your thoughts under the replenishing side.

When we feel good around someone it is because they make it easy for us to be ourselves. In fact, we even feel like it's safe enough to reveal aspects of ourselves we may not share with others. We know we won't be judged, or criticised, or gossiped about. We may even feel UNDERSTOOD, which makes us feel APPRECIATED.

It could be because this person makes you laugh. Their humour helps you detach from care just long enough for the burden to feel lighter. They feel like 'home'. They make it easy for us to feel connected to who we really are.

Also write down what you think this person usually feels when in your company...and how they feel after having shared time with you.

Are you replenishing for them as well?

In looking at these types of relationships, it will become obvious that these people accept responsibility for themselves, and never manipulate through bribery, fear, money, conditional acceptance, let alone coerce through emotional blackmail. Such ploys are not required. Everything is open and honest, and sometimes uncomfortably frank, but because you know the love is there, speaking the truth is not only acceptable, but DEEPLY DESIRED.

You always know where you stand-LOVED

Finish this list with whatever details you think of and then, shift to the thought of a 'draining' relationship.

DID YOU FEEL THE IMMEDIATE SHIFT IN YOUR ENERGY?????

I did, and I wasn't even thinking of someONE in particular...just the idea of those types of scenarios.

Characteristics of a Draining Relationship

These people usually complain a lot, but have all the answers for why they can't be helped. Healthy people can have a mood, or season in this state but these guys pitch a tent and set up camp here! They might as well build a solid structure, coz it's quite possible that they're never gonna move...

They want you to 'fix' things, coz you obviously had everything handed to you on a silver platter, but you know you can't, coz they are a parasite, and will never have whatever it is they think you should give them. Draining relationships are unhealthy for everyone involved, and it is only the people who are used to 'toxic, codependent love' that feel any need of them. Healthy people feel their leaching power, they will bleed you to death...just like the energy shift I mentioned.

They can also be cruel, intimidating, abusive...these extremes require a bit more depth...so contact me for more on those.

Write how they make you feel, the level of personal freedom you have in their company or not, the boundaries they cross. ALL the shitty detail... when you're done...revisit the good stuff...before going ahead.

Don't Throw the Baby Out With the Bathwater

Ok, so obviously you're gonna encounter all types. Not all relationships are ideal, but ALL PEOPLE ARE PRECIOUS.

These 'monsters' are there in your life, don't get mad now...because YOU LET THEM IN. It's time for some house cleaning. If you look at these relationships, you'll find these people have unrealistic expectations, cross boundaries and don't regard your time as valuable. They've become accustomed to interacting with you this way.

Use the standard of your better relationships to gauge them.

1. Draw up your healthy boundaries...learn to say 'no'. Not out of anger...but just 'no'. You don't need to explain, or justify or appease...just let your 'yes' be 'yes' and your 'no' be 'no'. This will do away with resentment on your part instantly, and it really doesn't matter what they think of you.And it will teach you to let other people to say ‘no’ without guilt or explanation as well. This type of freedom is very important.

2.Make a genuine offer to help with permanent change if you feel that connected, but if they're not ready to help themselves..move on GUILT-FREE.

3. If you do genuinely want them in your life, this is the way they can learn to interact with you in a powerfully positive way. It will also potentially teach them how to duplicate the process of accepting responsibility.

The best thing a HEALTHY person can do is accept responsibility in preserving their own state, and in doing so, make choices to position others for the same opportunity. You can't make their choice for them.

In Conclusion...for now

If you have to live in stressful conditions...take a pen and paper, and try to find things about that person and household that you like...or once liked. Try to imagine them that way again. In your thinking of them, do you utmost to look ONLY at those things you can appreciate, even if it's something as minor as the shape of their ears!

This isn't easy, but like all things, you can get better with practice, AND it should lead to more worthy of liking in your eyes. If you remain diligent and consistent, you should see a change in them, when they are with you. When they're not with you, relax knowing, that they're probably not in the state you like anyway!

I am surrounded by fantastic relationships. The ones that aren't 'healthy' just don't stick.

This coming week show your love flamboyantly and freely. It doesn't have to be expensive, but CREATIVE is good. Get in touch for ideas using CTT!

Footnote: My family was one of the most torn apart groups of dysfunctional people I knew. What exists today was not 'handed to us'...we had to envisage and design it!